Hurt
by eternallydepressed
Summary: For once, I didn’t care how I looked, I didn’t suppress the tears anymore, I just cried and cried and cried. I cried thinking about how much I missed her, how much I wanted to see her, about how guilty I felt, about everything. I just cried. ONE-SHOT.


**A/N:** Be warned, not for those looking for a light hearted fanfic. Reviews would be greatly appreciated. Sorry in advance for the writing and storyline, this is what happens at 4am in the morning and I can't sleep.

**Summary:** For once, I didn't care how I looked, I didn't suppress the tears anymore, I just cried and cried and cried. I cried thinking about how much I missed her, how much I wanted to see her, about how guilty I felt, about everything. I just cried. One-shot. In Spencer's POV. Happens a few months after the show's last episode.

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**Hurt: A South of Nowhere Fanfiction.  
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**Hurt**_ noun_

1. A state of physical or mental suffering: affliction, agony, anguish, distress, misery, pain, torment, torture, woe, wound, wretchedness.

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"Have you seen her lately? Ever since that, she has totally changed! Open your eyes Paula, our daughter is heartbroken, and the last thing she needed was yet another scolding from you." My dad exclaimed in exasperation, not knowing that I was outside the kitchen listening to their conversation.

I turned back and walked up to my room. Everything just hurt too much, I wanted to shut it all out, I wanted to go far far away and never have to face this reality.

* * *

Winter was coming soon, it's getting colder, and so was my heart. Every day it got colder, and no one had been able to warm it up. I didn't know if anyone would ever be able to.

I took a look at the picture I have of her, and I picked up the photo frame to have a better look at it. Sometimes I felt like time has made me forget how she looked like, how she looked at me lovingly, how she made me feel like I was the only one that mattered in her life.

It hurt so much, to know that it was partly my fault, to know that the future we had ahead of us is just gone. Gone.

It's too cold. Perhaps I'd be able to freeze my emotions and lock it up in a corner of my heart, and never have to face it again. Those emotions were like knives in my heart, hurting constantly, even when I didn't think about it. Maybe the cold would numb the pain.

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"_Oh come on, it won't hurt that bad, I promise!" Ashley looked at me, pleading me._

"_I don't know, what if my mum finds out?"_

"_Well, she wouldn't, I mean, if you're planning on tattooing that part of your body." She teased, a smirk emerging on her face. _

"_Uh huh." I replied sarcastically. Tossing a pillow at her._

"_Oh please, it's just one LETTER! I'm sure she wouldn't care."_

"_But it hurts! I mean. Doesn't it? You know I'm not a big fan of pain." I said, mostly whining like a little kid._

"_I'll make it all better for you, trust me. And I'll be there with you." She said, giving me a reassuring smile._

"_Oh alright!" I relented. "But it's only because I love you so much."_

"_I love you too Spence." Ashley whispered into my ears, while hugging me. "Forever and ever."  


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How I wished that was the only pain I had to go through. How I wished it would only hurt that much, not this much.

I'm a mess, I know it. And everyone was worried about me, but what could they possibly do about anything? I didn't even know what I was supposed to think.

Perhaps I should move on, I couldn't dwell in the past anymore. I had to let go. I needed to let go. I'm tired of feeling nothing but pain and guilt and broken all the time. Like a body without a soul, like someone who's too broken up to be fixed. I know she would never have wanted that of me. Never.

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It's raining. Somehow it had been raining a lot now. Almost like the heavens are crying too, like they knew how I was feeling.

I walked in the rain, I didn't care the weird stares I got, I just continued walking, on and on and on, tears mixing with the rainwater coming down my cheeks. For once, I didn't care how I looked, I didn't suppress the tears anymore, I just cried and cried and cried. I cried thinking about how much I missed her, how much I wanted to see her, about how guilty I felt, about everything. I just cried.

And then I laughed. I laughed at how cruel reality was, I laughed at how much I hated the world right now, laughed at how stupid I was to think that there could have been a happy ending to it all. I must have looked crazy, but I didn't care. I didn't care what the world thought of me. Because she was my whole world.

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_We had just attended a birthday party of a friend at a bar, and were walking back home by a short cut. We were both rather drunk, and stopped quite a few times for an impromptu make out session. We were mindful to keep it out of sight, but I guessed we weren't careful enough.  
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"_Look, a couple of cunts!" some drunken man said as we walked along the back alley almost nearing the loft. I guessed he had seen us kissing.  
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_Ashley and I both looked towards the direction of the voice, shocked that anyone was even around. _

"_You got a problem with that?" I retorted, trying to sound tough, but failing quite miserably. I guessed I was a lot more drunk that I thought I was, and it was obviously making me unable to judge the situation properly. Ashley stared at me shocked, and then told me not to say anything, begging really. Pulling me away from the man and walking faster. It was obvious she knew how serious the situation could be, a lot better than I did._

"_You two are nothing but trash, dirty and you don't even deserve to live! Bunch of whores is what you are. " _

_This guy was seriously pissing me off. "Oh yes, so says the drunken bastard who can't even stand straight! You're a joke." I shouted, before Ashley could even stop me. _

_Now, there were two more guys, equally drunk, walking towards us, surrounding me and Ashley. _

"_How dare you!" The first guy shouted at us. And he swung his fist and it knocked into my face, and I landed on the ground. _

_Ashley yelled out, "Back off!" Before kneeling down next to me, asking if I was alright, her face all worried._

_"Oh, what are you gonna do about it, whore?" And he kicked Ashley in the stomach, which made her fall back to the ground. _

"_A__SHLEY!" I panicked. _

_She stood up, like she was perfectly fine. Standing in front of me, she said, "Don't touch my girlfriend."_

"_HAHAHAHAHA!" All three men laughed. Amused. _

_Then one of them took out a knife from his backpocket. "Oh you're going to regret this… you and your little girlfriend."_

_Now, we were both completely terrified. _

_Without warning, the guy stabbed Ashley's chest using his knife. To make sure he made his point, he stabbed two more times. I didn't have time to react. All I heard was Ashley gasping, in shock and pain. All I knew was that I kept screaming as Ashley fell back onto my arms, bleeding profusely. _

_The three guys saw that someone was coming, and fled, not without adding another kick to Ashley's stomach. _

_I couldn't stop the bleeding. I couldn't do anything to help. I just screamed and yelled and cried for help. I'll never forget that moment, that moment where I couldn't do anything but hold her in my arms, that moment where I felt like I was going to die too, that moment where I just stared at her, the moment where I was just crying, feeling completely useless._

_And then, my entire world fell apart.  
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It hurt so much to just even think about it. To think about what happened that night, to think it had been completely my fault, and to think that nothing could ever change whatever happened that night. And I've been bleeding ever since, I've been bleeding on the inside, completely consumed by the guilt and pain, ignoring the fact that everyone else had moved on.

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"You know, she loved you like you were life itself, and she would never have wanted you to do this to yourself." My mum came in and suddenly saying, as I sat on my bed staring at the tattoo I got with Ashley, an '_A_', on my wrist, and touching it gingerly.

I didn't say anything.

"Please Spencer, don't be like this, don't shut everyone out, it hurts us to see you like that. It really does." Her eyes were brimming with sadness, and tears that were about to flow out.

"Hahahaha. It's all my fault, it's my fault it happened. You know it was. I told you what happened that night." I said, sounding bitter and angry at everything.

She sighed. "It was a hate crime, you have to stop blaming yourself for what happened. Those men were to blame, not you."

"NO! It was my fault, if I never said anything we would have been fine! She wouldn't have tried to protect me! She wouldn't have gotten stabbed! She wouldn't have died!" I yelled at my mum, not caring about what she would think. I'd stopped caring a long time ago.

"Spenc-"

I continued before she could say any more. "SHE DIED, MUM! ASHLEY DIED! Because of ME! How can you say it wasn't my fault! I should have been the one who was stabbed! I should have died! NOT ASHLEY!"

I started crying, and I just couldn't stop. My mum hugged me, trying to comfort me.

"She died, mum… Ashley's dead… I don't know what to do anymore." I whispered, too tired to yell anymore. And then I just fell asleep in her arms. Like how I used to in Ashley's.

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It's been a whole year. I never attended Ashley's funeral, and never once visited her grave.

And now, here I stood, in front of it. Alone.

It felt surreal, to be staring at it, to come into terms that she was, in fact, dead.

Somehow, since a very long time, I felt at peace at myself, just looking at the slab of stone with her name engraved on it. It felt like I was with her again, and that no one could come in between the two of us.

I kneeled down at the grave, taking a closer look at what was written on the stone. I grazed my fingers over the engraved words, closing my eyes, once again feeling at peace with myself, with what had happened, with Ashley. Finally, I felt like I had closure.

"I'm so so sorry, Ash." I whispered, my head now leaning against the stone.

I kissed the stone lightly, at where Ashley's name was. "And I'll always love you, I'll always remember you, no matter where or when, I always will. Forever and ever."

And I looked up at the sky, knowing that Ashley was watching me, knowing that we'll always be in each other's heart.

**END.  


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**A/N:** Now you know why my pen name is eternallydepressed! Reviews would be greatly appreciated. Sorry for such a depressing fanfic.


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